It’s a sleepless night. You are tossing and turning, snuggling your pillow, adjusting your fan, changing patterns of your sleep, yet you are unable to sleep. What do you do then? Drink a glass of water? Do breathing exercises? No. You take out your “monkey” and masturbate. You beat it until you are so lethargic, that you fall asleep.
Does that make you an addict? Yes. You are an addict to this. This is your nicotine. This is your cocaine. Whatever comes your way, you would never compromise on your self-help activities.
Are you still in doubt? The following points will convince you that you have a masturbate addiction.
1. You can withstand muscle injury.
Where you were screaming your lungs out at a small cut on your elbow, or a hamstring injury, you have no problem when your own crotch is aching. You adapt, develop new methods, and go on with your ‘job’.
2. You like to put in some extra repetitions.
Your pants are your gym. Your penis, your equipment. Similar to a fitness nut (no pun intended), you like to put in some extra repetitions because you are not satisfied. The extra pump sends you over the edge, and you get the satisfaction of a good workout.
3. ‘Habit is suffering’- How true.
You can’t live without it. You need to do it in a continuous loop. Just like brushing your teeth, and taking a bath, wanking is also your habit, which you sometimes do subconsciously. Sometimes, between brushing your teeth and taking a bath!
4. You can only call it a day after you are done beating your meat.
You can’t sleep until you have killed a few million babies. You are a night owl when it comes to this and follows your own principle very rigidly. You can only fall asleep when you have scrolled through 10 pages of Pornhub.
5. The quantitative value appeals more to you than the intricacies.
You like the number of times you wank, to the amount of spunk that you ejaculate. The intricacies don’t appeal to you. The quality of your sperm doesn’t appeal to you. All that matters is the number of times you do it.
6. You don’t like it ‘Hands-free’
Joseph Gordon Levitt in Don John. That is who you are. You prefer palms on your banana, your palms, even more so. Nothing gets you off, not even the throes of sex, when you have your own hands, just like IKEA’s ‘Build It Yourself’.
7. You prefer originality rather than artificiality.
Imagination is the key. You are the director, and the star of your own pornographic movie, as you prefer that to the flakiness in porn sites scattered all over the internet. You are a connoisseur, so you have realized that porn movies are ludicrous, and you want something real. Something that sets you off like a cannon.
8. Your soldier is sick when it’s time to go to war.
This is the moment you have been preparing for. All your training, all those moments wasted in the washroom, all those soiled sheets, but you are unable to fight. Your soldier refuses to stand at attention when the need is imminent, and you lose face, even in the bed.
9. ‘Do it daily’ is your motto.
You can let go of everything. Food, family, entertainment, but you can’t let go of this. You need your daily dose of this to survive in a world that (quite possibly) doesn’t understand your fixation.
10. The only thought in your head.
When the pleasure at the end of the process is what you crave throughout the day, that feeling in which you’re at the top of the world, with no care in the world, it’s pretty evident that you have taken the habit to the extremes.
You need help, for masturbation takes up a lot of your time which could be better spent doing something valuable. You are a slave to it, and you need to get out before it defines you.