So it happened today morning. I sat on the floor being helpless. No, it wasn’t something huge. I was just trying to unwrap a packet of soap and meanwhile, I thought about how I have so many burdens on me. Now to think of it, imagine a mother being frustrated in such minor things? I re-winded the past couple of minutes in my head and all I heard myself say things like “why can no one else see that we need a new bar of soap? Why is this wrapping so ridiculous? I don’t have time to mess with a freaking bar of soap that is too hard to open.”
When I analyzed myself and my words, it was just a bar of soap and it felt like my bones were breaking. Like as if it was a decision I had to make in a life or death situation. My temper rose slowly and so did my requirement of help. This, people, was a basic example of my anxiety attack. It gets worse sometimes.
Every ad campaign ever tells us about how beautiful the feeling of motherhood is. I won’t differ. But sometimes I just wish people also spoke of the number of mental issues that tag along with it. And honestly, I don’t know if I’m the only one who feels this way. With the entire weight of perfection that’s laid on me (come on, we all know mothers are supposed to be perfect. IN EVERYTHING!) I sometimes tend to break. I find myself stuck in this awkward emotional ride of love, sorry, helplessness and most importantly, tiredness.
But trust me; this is not what I want to feel. The reason for my sadness is major because of my unintentional anger which often pours out on my loved ones. I don’t want to scream at my kids for making a minute mistake. I completely understand that they are just learning. They are just growing up. And how can I be angry with them for that?
I don’t want my little ones to see me cry. After all, I’m supposed to be their pillar of strength. I don’t want to come across as a pillar with cracks on them. I have to be their superhero. Not someone who scares them.
But I swear I try not to overreact but it’s impossible to control these rash emotions. And as they say, you can never take back words once they have already slipped out of your tongue.
I just want my family to know that I’m trying. And I will, always. And that I’m thankful for all the times they have forgiven me for the things I did and said in the heat of the moment. For not falling out of love with me. I don’t like this side of me either and I will work on it, for us.