For God’s sake, America, stop worrying about these fucking clowns. Don’t you think there are bigger issues to worry about? Like, say, the Kim Kardashian robbery?! Of course, I’m joking about the Kardashians, but in all seriousness, the evil clown phenomenon is beginning to show all the tell-tale signs of a media frenzy that is not rooted in reality.
Take, for example, the fact the clown craze originated from unsubstantiated reports of clown sightings in South Carolina. By unsubstantiated, I mean the original reports of clown sightings are all but proven to be hoaxes. But that didn’t stop first local, then regional, then national news outlets from regurgitating these unconfirmed reports without fact-checking. As one news report led to another, all of the sudden there really were clowns being spotted across the country — and now these fucking clowns are showing up in my neighborhood.
What I’m saying is that this entire “epidemic” of clown sightings was manufactured by the media looking for fluff to fill their broadcasts. And these clowns haven’t even hurt anybody — not a single fucking person. Has our “news” media reallystooped this low that nonviolent people dressing up as clowns now deserve to be national headline news? And even worse, part of the national news cycle? Sadly, yeah, that’s what has happened — and it’s not even Halloween yet!
Worse yet, the people dressing up as clowns are the actual victims here. Clowns have been deemed a terrorist threat, and lynch mobs have formed to hunt down clowns in their communities. They’re being beaten, arrested, and bannedacross the country despite the fact they aren’t actually hurting anyone.
Sure, many people may take this clown business lightheartedly — I mean, clowns are pretty (terrifyingly) fucking funny, right? But the issue is deeper than just stupid headlines. The media regularly perpetuates cycles of “fear porn,” during which they try to scare the hell out of the public over things that realistically won’t affect them.
Be afraid, they say — you never know if your neighbor is a clown waiting to snatch you off the street. You never know if your kid is going to die playing the “choking game.” You never know if a minority teen down the block is going to play the “knockout game” on you. You never know if Ebola (insert swine flu, Zika virus, SARS, mad cow disease, West Nile) is gonna get ya. You never know when a guy on bath salts is going to eat your face off. You never know when someone is going to send you anthrax in the mail. You never know if a Mexican is gonna take your job. You never know if your Muslim neighbor who has never been anything but nice to you is a terrorist. You’re better off just not going outside; it’s too dangerous. Just stay home and watch TV — “and don’t forget to tune-in to our special report at 6 o’clock about the latest frenzy sweeping the nation!”
But maybe there are some clowns that Americans genuinely should be worried about…
I’m worried about two of the clowns running for president. I’m worried about the orange clown that thinks brown people are miscreants, thinks the constitution is something to wipe his ass with, and is a pathological liar. I’m worried about the white war-mongering clown that can’t even operate an email account correctly, is corrupt beyond belief, and is also a pathological liar. I’m worried that despite reality, America has been led to believe these two clowns are our only choices.
I’m worried about the clowns in Congress. I’m worried that even though they have a lower approval rating than cockroaches (+-9 percent), that +- 90 percent of them will be re-elected. I’m worried these unrepresentative career politicians have turned America into an oligarchy. I’m worried the only time they agree on anything is when they’resending money and arms to foreign countries and our troops off to die in foreign lands.
I’m worried about the clowns who dress up in blue costumes and have shiny badges that apparently grant them extra rights. I’m worried that they’ve been killing over 1,000 Americans on average every year. I’m worried they’re almost never held accountable for their actions. I’m worried they’ve turned into a standing army. I’m worried they target certain people to harass because of the color of their skin. I’m worried that many Americans think these clowns aren’t a problem just because, so far, they haven’t personally been affected by them.
I’m worried about the unelected clowns advising our government. I’m worried they are more concerned with generating profits for the military-industrial complex than ensuring our well-being. I’m worried they’ve created a global “War on Terror” that has only succeeded in spending $5 trillion while generating 6,500 percent more terrorism. I’m worried these clowns are getting us dangerously close to a nuclear war with Russia.
I’m worried that after I’ve written this article, the clowns at the NSA will be monitoring my Yahoo email.
Last but not least, I’m worried about the clowns in the media who think actual clowns are news but either ignore or embolden the true clowns we should be worrying about.