I grew up in a family where physical contact (hugs etc, don’t be weird) just didn’t happen. Affection was very much spread vocally rather than physically; if my brother wanted to tell me he loved me, he’d let me have the front seat in the car despite being the first to shotgun it. If I wanted to tell my brother I loved him, I’d refrain from telling my Mum about the weed he smoked that weekend. It’s just how we did things.
As a result, I’ve grown into a woman who values personal space above all else. I’m not a cold-hearted, people-hating monster – I just would prefer it if you would kindly not f*cking touch me. I make a few exceptions – ok, one exception – sex. You can touch me then. Aside from that, keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle at all times please.
Here are 25 struggles regularly felt by those with a similar policy to my own – take note you incessant touchy-feely people out there.
1. Your body seems to just reject hugs, to the point where you’re not sure you even know how to hug properly.
2. And greeting people is your idea of a nightmare, doesn’t anybody just wave or do a casual nod of the head anymore?
3. The French. Why so many kisses?
4. If you had a spirit plant, it’d be the cactus.
5. And your spirit animal, definitely the cat. Cats just get you.
6. Your personal space bubble is the size of Russia.
7. Over the years, you’ve mastered escape routes for when people touch you.
8. When the teacher at school puts their hand on you.
9. You cannot make it any clearer that having a tattoo is not an invitation to touch. Bitch, this isn’t a scratch and sniff, back up.
10. People always confuse your fondness for personal space as coldness or meanness…
11. And it causes issues in relationships…
12. But you’re still a fantastic lay – you do know HOW to touch.
13. Concerts or huge crowds are your personal nightmare.
14. Even someone’s words touching your ears can be borderline too much.
15. Tickling, who even invented that bullsh*t?
16. Your bed is your favourite hello and hardest goodbye.
17. If a hug HAS to happen, it better be brief.
18. You’re literally the worst friend to come to if somebody wants comforting.
19. You could write an entire guide on why people need to literally stop touching you, right now.
20. Chapter 1
21. Sharing a bed is easily the worst part of the relationship.
22. Those people who sit next to you on public transport when there are plenty of empty seats…
23. And just public transport in general – so many people
24. Even overly affectionate emoji usage makes you uncomfortable
25. Doctors appointments are a nightmare. Can’t you just look at me and tell me what’s wrong?